Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Olympic Dream (Is that a Copyright Violation?)

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, owing to the constant buzzing of helicopters over downtown Vancouver, but last night I had the worst sleep of my entire life. It’s probably not surprising that I woke up with a headache and a sense of dread; I was startled awake like I was in a scene from Blackhawk Down. I still feel a little foggy, no matter how much coffee I slurp.

And man alive, I had the craziest dream.

There I was in a vast icy cavern, frozen to the bone, looking for warmth as strange, massive creatures roamed around me. Instead of helping me, they thwarted my every move. My hands, arms and legs felt stiff from the extreme cold and my teeth chattered. If I couldn't find an escape, then I had to find fire.

Out of nowhere, I spotted Sonny and Cher dancing on a large round drum! It looked like they were singing, but no sound came from their mouths. “I loved you in Tea with Mussolini!” I shouted to Cher hoping she would come to my rescue, but she just swirled her hips and flipped me the bird.

Then the floor suddenly gave way, turning to water, and I was trying to stay afloat amidst a sea of dolphins, seals and whales. “Where are the oolichans?!” I screamed.

It makes sense, considering oolichans are known as ‘saviour fish’ here on the West Coast. Somebody must have been listening - but didn’t quite get the message. A teeming school of salmon surrounded me.

It was the weirdest thing; I was alone but felt like thousands of eyes were on me. Strange. I managed to escape the water and crawl up on to grass next to a magisterial Douglas Fir. The water had left me impossibly cold and possibly delusional.

Everything shifted and Ashley MacIssac appeared, playinDevil in the Kitchen in - wait for it – my kitchen. And there were more tattooed Cape Breton step dancers than could fit into my place and cops EVERYWHERE! What a blowout! I should have been having fun, but I was terrified and so I ran, and I ran and I ran...and as if I'd stepped through the Stargate, I was back in the icy cave, not knowing how I got there or how to get free.

I ran past a glowing spirit bear. I ran past a kid who looked like Peter Pan and Harry Potter's lovechild. I ran past Wayne Newton. I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran as fast as my cold, stiff limbs could move, becoming more frightened with every step.

I passed Anne Murray and thought I was dead. But then I spotted Betty Fox and Romeo Dallaire and knew I was OK. I had to keep searching. I thought I spotted a campfire, but it was just a flash from a massive Nikon camera on a tripod.

The situation went from bad to desperate when I ran straight into Donald Sutherland. All he said was, “Miss Daniels can I ask you some questions now?”

I thought I was a goner.

And THEN I spotted number four Bobby Orr. Only oolichans would have made me happier. Number four Bobby Orr told me how to escape the icy cave and where to find fire. I made like Alice breaking free from the rabbit hole.

Vas-y! Go! Vas-y!!! Go!!! Vite vite vite!!!

The governor general was there, pointing me towards the Burrard Inlet. I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran down Robson Street. I ran down Cambie Street. I ran down Georgia Street. I spotted a guy I know who runs the desk at the Sandman Hotel and he ran with me. And then he spotted a guy he knows from Merritt and we hopped a ride on the back of his pick-up truck.

He drove like stink, heading for the Inlet. And then suddenly there it was...a massive fiery cauldron with 20-foot flames being stoked by Wayne Gretzky. Life-saving fire! Saved! Saved!

Wayne Gretzky...the only thing better than oolichans! Saved!


What do you mean that wasn’t a dream?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If I'm not mistaken Alison, we're currently in the lunar phase called the "dark of the moon." Allegedly, this is the peak of a psychic cycle where our minds are open to prophetic visions and glimpses into the deeper self. I've had unusual dreams myself.